March 1986: The Best British TV Comedies, First Hand

March. Still dark, still cold. Plenty of time to watch plenty of telly, including some of the best British TV comedies. My diary from the third month of the year will reveal several of my accounts of watching some of those British TV comedies.

Then there was the football – the League Championship was revving up to be one of the best finishes in a long time. And schoolwork, plenty of references, mostly to how much work I was avoiding getting on with…

Yet with all that, I still had time to hope that we had seen the last of Winter. Whether we had seen it off remained to be seen. Easter was early this year, with Easter Monday the last day of March. Come on, let’s get into it.

Saturday 1 March 1986

St. David.

Well, I’m at it again. When a diary entry begins with, “Today was quite boring really…” you do have to wonder.

We played football, so it couldn’t have been that bad. Maybe it was the calibre of the other participants, this particular Jairzinho always did have an unrealistic idea of his own abilities.

In grown-up football, it was good to note that Man Utd lost but that “Bastards Everton won.” Things were hotting up now in the two-horse race for the title between Stanley Park’s finest. Liverpool were, I noted, playing Spurs tomorrow.

Sunday 2 March 1986

Despite what turned out to be quite a momentous result from White Hart Lane, Spurs 1-2 Liverpool merits only the most cursory mention in my diary.

It was one of those old-time Liverpool displays. Feeble in the first half and deservedly one down, they powered back in the second half with goals from Jan Molby and Ian Rush. The pitch was bone hard due to the frost, and most of the players wore flat-soled boots. The game turned out to be Steve Perryman’s final appearance for Spurs, the last of his club-record 854 first-team appearances.

I collected just over a hundred pounds on my paper round, so I was happy enough about that. The weather was sunny – “whoo hoo” – we must have been emerging from the coldest winter for a while – it felt like it anyway. Again, we played football, and I did some French homework. Not a single mention of the word boring. Now there’s a turn-up.

Monday 3 March 1986

Not a lot happened today.

However, I did receive back my Odour of Chrysanthemums essay. Not my best mark, but a satisfying twenty-eight out of thirty-six, nonetheless. I thenk you!

We played football in the [playing] field – no record of the score, but who cares really, we played football. It was definitely feeling warmer, as I noted. The wind had gone in the morning but did start to freshen up in the evening.

Tuesday 4 March 1986

Ah, a momentous occasion.

The first edition of Today newspaper. The first new newspaper in the UK for quite a while, and the first newspaper to go bust in quite a while. Today ran from 4 March 1986 until 17 November 1995, eventually expiring in the hands of News International. It was printed in colour – quite an innovation, but its technology was extremely crude – you must remember the slide on the images.

In the evening at Wembley Arena, Frank Bruno (‘You know what I mean, ‘Arry?’) beat South African Gerrie Coetzee in a little over a minute. He was warming up for his tilt at the World Championship against Tim Witherspoon in July. Remember, these were the days before Sky TV so I don’t recall this bout (v Coetzee) being shown live, it was probably shown the following night on Sportsnight on BBC with Des Lynam or Harry Carpenter as host. Those were the days, eh?

Shock horror! School was “boring” and the weather was “warmer and wetter”. Nothing seemed to change, did it?

Wednesday 5 March 1986

Another (surely not) “boring” day.

A mini-crisis in French – we had a reader to do. It must have been exam-related, but I can’t think what it was exactly mind. We probably had to read a passage in French and answer questions on it, again, in French. I think that it was getting to be a little bit too much like hard work for this individual.

I also looked up my exam numbers too – was I satisfying idle curiosity or had I been directed to? Knowing me, it could have been either. Anyway, these were how we were to be (anonymously) identified when the papers were sent away to be marked. I had exams with four different exam boards, the Joint Matriculation Board (JMB) for Maths, Physics, French, and German; the Associated Examining Board (AEB) for Geography and both the Cambridge and West Midlands Exam Boards for both English Language and Literature plus Chemistry which were designated as hybrid ‘sixteen+’ qualifications. The theory being you could fail the ‘O’ Level and still get a CSE.

I noted that we had a game pencilled in for Saturday – “ace”. It’s funny, but looking back my memories of playing football, in the park or on the school pitches, always seem to bear out the rule that the better games were those when we just turned up. Some driving spirit of schoolboys communicated itself and we were just there. Ready to play, get covered in mud and generally have a good time.

In proper football, Liverpool and QPR played the second leg of the Milk Cup semi-final at Anfield. After QPR’s victory in the first leg, most of the football world expected Liverpool to batter them in this game to go through to the final. Well, and this is one of the reasons why it’s called the beautiful game, things didn’t quite turn out that way. A 2-2 draw saw QPR win the tie 3-2 on aggregate and Liverpool were out.

Thursday 6 March 1986

Sacre bleu! No BlackAdder again – must’ve been bloody Crimewatch on again… er, no, the series had ended last week.

In an exciting development, we made an electric motor in Physics and what’s more it worked. And I did some Maths, German and Chemistry homework.

Friday 7 March 1986

Not much happened today, except “we” watched Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

When I say “we”, I really mean all of us. Back in the day, we still only had four TV channels in the UK, so we all sat down and watched the same thing.

This was the second series of the smash hit comedy (on ITV!). By now the boys had decamped from Germany (Doo-sel-dorf) and were installed at the fictional Thornley Manor working for Bill Paterson’s character, gangster Ally Fraser. There was no reduction in quality in this series – its strong writing and equally strong performances made it so.

Before coming home from school, we were laden with “a lot” of Chemistry homework, and apparently our Maths teacher “threw a bit of a wobbler.” I have no recollection of the reason why.

Saturday 8 March 1986

As previously arranged, we played football.

As usual, with a prearranged game, not many turned up! But whatever, my team won, I scored seven, everything’s rosy.

In other football, it was the sixth round of the FA Cup. Liverpool had drawn the winner of Watford and Bury (twice winners of the Cup). However, bad weather had put paid to their original fifth-round tie, on 15 February, which was postponed to 5 March and had ended in a draw. Their replay was played today, with Watford winning 3-1.

Liverpool therefore, had a rearranged League game versus Wednesday night’s nemesis QPR. This time, the Reds ran out 4-1 winners.

Sunday 9 March 1986

Oh, ho ho what joy.

Yep, you guessed it, the 1980s are in full swing, so Man Utd are dreadful and boy did they prove it today as Geoff Pike’s header from the edge of the box sets up West Ham for a famous 2-0 victory in their fifth-round replay at Old Trafford.

The other goal was scored by Ray Stewart from the penalty spot (although ‘scored’ doesn’t do justice to what he did to a ball in taking a penalty). Apparently, Utd were later denied a stick-on penalty of their own. But there’ll be no sympathy here. That’s what you get for having a clown like Fat Ron as manager.

This paper boy collected the princely sum of £100.25 on his round and managed to do some French and Geography homework.

Monday 10 March 1986

Oh dear. Another one of those nondescript days that seemed to punctuate my childhood. “Boring. Got a lot of French homework.”

YOU ARE SIXTEEN, EVERY DAY SHOULD BE A JOY, FIFTY YEARS AGO, YOU’D HAVE BEEN DOWN A PIT, WORKING A TWELVE-HOUREVERY DAY DAY OR MORE. Pfft!

I then add insult to injury by describing my mate Arthur as “childish”. Him childish? Take a good look nearer to home sonny Jim. (Apparently, he nicked my bag, so I “beat him up.”) Two things spring to mind:

a) Yes, he probably did nick my bag, and

b) Quite what I meant by “beat him up” is unclear and more than likely a gross exaggeration of what actually happened.

And the final, resounding pièce de résistance… wait for it… “Nothing much on the television.”

Tuesday 11 March 1986

The theme continues… school was “dull”, although possibly Chemistry wasn’t as the teacher was “in a mood.” Hmm, that must have made it more interesting.

We played football in PE – outside in the mud, sheer bliss! Diving tackles, getting covered in the mud. Poom tang!

In the FA Cup sixth-round game between Liverpool and Watford, there was a dearth of goals. Don’t know how much mud there was, but certainly, there were no goals.

Wednesday 12 March 1986

We had “tons” of Physics homework today and we suffered with the cold in the lab because the windows were open due to a gas leak. A double whammy, I suppose. French was “easy” today and General Studies was… “boring”. Quelle surprise.

Thursday 13 March 1986

This was a slow week, as you can probably tell by the brevity of the entries.

I noted today that the previous evening, Villa had lost 2-1 to Oxford in their Milk Cup semi-final second leg to crash out 4-3 on aggregate to the eventual winners. At least two of my mates really should have waited before ploughing in with all guns blazing after Liverpool’s defeat to QPR.

We received yet more Physics homework, and I received a reminder of a German essay. My diary entry read, “Forgot to do it!” Doh! Good job that Mrs (surely, Frau) Rigg was alright.

Friday 14 March 1986

I had an interview today for Sixth Form.

Since my school didn’t have its own sixth-form facilities, there was just one choice for those of us who wanted to pursue more academic interests after the age of sixteen.

I noted that “the interview went OK.” And, yes, you guessed it, that was sixteen-year-old speak for, ‘We covered a wide range of issues relating to my intended move up to sixth form college, including my academic and extra-curricular interests, future career prospects and pastoral issues pertaining to the next two years of my education…’

We also had “boring” lessons in both Chemistry and German. French was a bit of a nightmare – we were given fifty questions, for which we would have to come up with an answer, revise the lot and be prepared to answer two groups of 5 questions in the exam. So, in retrospect, it wasn’t a nightmare, it was quite a useful bit of work that would make revision particularly easy for the [speaking] exam. Mmm.

We must have had English too, as I noted that I would have to do my last essay over the weekend. Words were spoken I can only surmise. And finally, in the grand tradition of students/procrastinators the world over, I noted that I would start my revision on Monday next week…

I loved 1980s music, and I took great delight in building my singles collection. Today, I bought Manic Monday by The Bangles. Or rather my Mum bought it on my behalf. As I was in school, she took my instructions and my cash and added the purchase of another seven-inch single for me to her other tasks.

As you may or may not know, this was written by Prince. Now there’s a man who knew how to craft a killer tune. I loved it then and I love it now. Thanks, Prince and thank you, ladies.

Saturday 15 March 1986

Ah, the weekend. What joy! Liverpool won 2-1 v Southampton and (haha) Man Utd lost 1-0 v QPR.

It was pretty cold and windy today and I received the wages for my paper round – all £6.70 of them. I managed to start my final English essay, on the short story Snow Goose by the American author Paul Gallico. It must have made quite the impact on me, as I cannot remember a single detail of the story. A little research reveals that it is about the British retreat from Dunkirk in WWII… as I say, it must really have grabbed me.

Unfortunately, TV was “dead boring”, so I went to bed at eleven o’clock.

Sunday 16 March 1986

It rained today and I bought the Sunday version of Today newspaper.

I remember that I had pestered and pestered my poor Mum to allow us to have Today throughout the week in preference to what even at sixteen I knew was the horrid Daily Mail.

Some things don’t change – except perhaps sixteen-year-old boys grow up into some semblance of men, unlike the Daily Mail and my opinion of it. Anyway, she allowed us to change in the week, but there was no way she’d give up the Mail on Sunday. So that was that. I suppose it’s what’s called a compromise.

On TV, Everton could only draw with Chelsea. At this point, they still held a three-point advantage over Liverpool and had a plus thirty-six goal difference compared with Liverpool’s plus twenty-nine. However, they had been eight points clear at the beginning of March.

In a departure from the usual, I did some revision. Yes, I fancied a spot of Geography revision, so I did it in the bath between 6:30 and 7:30! The water wasn’t very warm, unfortunately. I also reported that I had cleaned my contact lens (singular)…

Now all opticians and optometrists should look away now because I had at this stage taken to wearing only one contact lens because I had managed to scratch my other eye.

This is a very long story and goes back to the age of about five or six when I was first diagnosed with myopia. Would I wear my glasses? Not a chance. And have I suffered from not wearing them? You bet. I wear some coke bottle bottoms now, slung between two coat hangers, my eyesight is SO poor.

But anyway, on moving up to secondary school my Mum decided that I should try contact lenses. I didn’t need much of a push in their direction, I can tell you. And of course, I wasn’t prepared to look after them – they weren’t disposable ones – and they became dirty, and I rubbed my eyes and… well there you go.

So, listen up kids, if you go to the optician and (s)he tells you that you need glasses, then don’t be a vain little brat like me – put the beggars on and be done with it. You may even grow out of the need for them. There, that’s the public service element of this broadcast over with.

Monday 17 March 1986

St. Patrick.

Either by way of setting a schedule or in a vain attempt to overcome my dreadful procrastination habit, I had written “Physics revision” at the top of the tiny space available in my diary for today. Whether it worked is another matter.

I finished my Snow Goose essay too, but I still had two – TWO – German essays to write.

In their sixth-round replay, Liverpool beat Watford by two goals to one at Vicarage Road. All well there then.

Tuesday 18 March 1986

It was “a busy day today.”

I managed to do some Maths revision and I started putting my folder of English essays together. I noted that I had “managed to get hold of” somebody’s Physics book for some reason or another. I don’t think I was cheating; I think I may have missed some vital point and I was just filling in the gap or gaps. For once, “Chemistry was a doss.” Was the old battle axe relaxing with us now that our exams were imminent? Or had we worn her down? Hmm.

In PE we managed to get four for a game of football. I can’t remember where all the other lads went during games, but we never had more than a small handful to play the beautiful game which is utterly ridiculous.

Wednesday 19 March 1986

Geography revision today.

I must have done lots of revision for Geoggers as I eventually managed my best ‘O’ Level mark for it – my only A grade. Our teacher was a real enthusiast for the subject, and obviously, it rubbed off on me. I can still remember some of the topics we covered. Fiddlers Ferry Power Station and the creation of an enormous lake in Ghana by the building of a huge dam which resulted in the flooding of around a third of the country’s total area.

At school, we started on electricity in Physics, and I noted that I out-answered one of the brighter stars in the class. French was “dead easy” (!?) and General Studies was “a doss.” And finally, I noted that I still hadn’t done those two German essays.

Thursday 20 March 1986

Chemistry revision today.

Not my favourite subject, so we’ll say no more. Otherwise, school was “boring” (no surprise) and it rained pretty heavily. And I was given another German essay to do – so that’s just the three then…

Ooh, yes, nearly forgot, our Physics teacher didn’t show up. Quite breathtakingly ordinary really.

Friday 21 March 1986

And so, we come to yet another Friday.

I had pencilled in French revision for today. I’m not sure if I did much – probably not, as a) it was Friday and b) it was French revision!

German was “much more pleasant” due to the absence of my so-called friend, Theo. I really did have a bizarre relationship with him. Shish, I was some friend if I could make such a statement. God, even allowing for the fact that I’m reporting the words, feelings etc of a sixteen-year-old schoolboy, wasn’t I an awful gobshite?

In other news, our Chemistry teacher wasn’t there either. Fantastic! Otherwise, it was… “quite boring.”

Saturday 22 March 1986

German revision.

And now, spurious diary entry alert… “[I] drew out £200 for [my] mum to pay for [a] shower.” I’ll not attempt to make any analysis of this remark – your guess is as good as mine.

In drawing out the £200 I took a little more out to buy a Liverpool shirt for the princely sum of £17 (God, me and money? It was never a match made in heaven).

Anyway, the football shirt was an Adidas one, with Crown Paints as the sponsor. It served me well, as Liverpool stuck six past Oxford at Anfield, and Everton lost 2-1 away at Luton. So, now the points were level, and goal difference, previously plus thirty-six for Everton with plus twenty-nine for Liverpool was now plus thirty-five each.

I also bought (this was quite some spending spree) the Comic Relief single by Cliff Richard and The Young Ones, Living Doll. I’m not sure about Cliff, but The Young Ones were a complete smash with me and my schoolmates. We used to spend far too long discussing each episode in Art for those glorious six Tuesday mornings in our second year.

This single was a chance to own a piece of them. Remember, we had no DVDs and videos were very much a luxury item. Although I do remember taping one episode on the integral cassette recorder that was part of our TV cabinet. So, we listed for hours to the audio of Bambi (‘To the station! Music!’)

Sunday 23 March 1986

Ooh… brrr… today was a cold and windy day.

Spring in the air? Not bloody likely. I collected £105 on my paper round – something to keep the cold at bay I suppose.

In the Full Members Cup Final at Wembley, Chelsea beat Manchester City by 5-4.

In the third Test Match between West Indies and England at Kensington Oval in Bridgetown, Barbados, England were floundering at 136-6. West Indies had enforced the follow-on after England were skittled for only 189 in response to West Indies’ first innings total of 418.

They were eventually all out for just 199 thereby losing the match by an innings and thirty runs. West Indies won the series five-nil, their second successive ‘blackwash.’

Monday 24 March 1986

“School boring,” I wrote. This diary’s pretty bloody boring if you ask me. (That’s enough, Ed.)

I noted that I had to write up my fifty questions for French. As a Brucie bonus, we had not been given any Chemistry homework. Although, I noted that I intended doing some Physics revision this evening.

Again, it was windy and cold – and nearly April!

In other news (?!), I also washed my Liverpool shirt for taking to school tomorrow. I am presuming that it was to be worn in PE. Why I washed it though, I don’t know. Think about it… it was only gonna get filthy tomorrow, being worn in all of that mud.

Tuesday 25 March 1986

On the wireless on his Bit in the Middle show, Gary Davies informed us that The Young Ones (with Cliff of course) got to the UK number 1 spot with Living Doll.

As I had bought the single in the period immediately before this momentous event, I felt more than a little bit chuffed with myself. I fairly bathed in some sort of post-colonial glow. I was the original smug and self-satisfied teenage pillock.

We got tons of holiday homework for Chemistry in this, the week of Good Friday. Maths, I reported, was “depressing” and I even attempted to learn some of my fifty French questions and answers for the exam. However, this was “bloody hard”. I went to bed at 10 pm.

Wednesday 26 March 1986

“Geography revision.”

Today was the last day before Easter. We were given (hackneyed old cliche alert) “tons of holiday homework” for Physics.

In football friendlies, England played the USSR in the Tbilisi Stadium in Kyiv. Chris Waddle, mullet firmly attached, scored the only goal on sixty-seven minutes. Any win against the USSR was a handy result, but to win in Tbilisi of all places was tremendous.

Wales won their friendly, game, Ian Rush’s goal seeing off the Republic of Ireland in Dublin. In Belfast, Northern Ireland gained a creditable result with a 1-1 draw against Denmark. And last but by no means least, Kenny Dalglish became the first player to reach a hundred caps for Scotland as they beat Romania 3-0 at Hampden Park. Quite an achievement that, considering Alex Ferguson was managing Scotland at the time…

Thursday 27 March 1986

Oh no. Mechanical breakdown!

The back derailleur on my bike broke. Good job I was off school else things would have been a little bit tight and no mistaking. So, I walked the mile or so down to the paper shop and was fortunate to get a lift back with my bag of papers. Phew! That was a close one.

I was supposed to do some “Chemistry revision,” but I no doubt spent the day being a nuisance and annoying my sister and her friend who had come to stay.

Friday 28 March 1986

Good Friday.

“Me (sic) and Dad mended bike.” Don’t know what the labour would have come to, but the parts set me back a tenner. Oh, and when I say, ‘my Dad and I mended’ it’s more like ‘my Dad mended and I stood there holding the thing steady’. My technical ability would stretch no further than that, oh and possibly brewing up if necessary.

Otherwise, it started to rain very violently, I did no revision whatsoever (should have been “French” today) and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet was “just magic”.

Saturday 29 March 1986

It says in my diary that today is “Easter Eve”. Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous? No, neither have I.

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. In hot footy news, Liverpool drew 1-1 with Sheff Wed, whilst Everton won 1-0. Therefore, Everton moved two points clear at the top of the table with a game in hand. In the Second Division, Shrewsbury Town lost 0-2 to Grimsby and, so it seemed, moved that little bit closer to Division Three.

In cycling news, my bike was mended and in full working order.

Sunday 30 March 1986

Easter Day and British Summer Time begins.

I got up late this morning, twenty to ten instead of twenty to nine. Who moved those bloody clocks forward? Stupid idea that. It must have been a strange day as I make no comment regarding my paper round, no mention of the word “boring” (there’s a turn-up), but I did make a note, “telly – crap – best thing Spitting Image 9.45 ITV”.

Spitting Image was well into its third series by now and was usually bang on the money in terms of its parody of the great and the good. I remember one teacher at school asking us how we thought Ronald Reagan would have become President of the USA if he behaved as his puppet did.

Looking back, I realise that the guy was playing devil’s advocate, as good old Ronnie really was as bonkers as Fluck and Law and Chris Barrie would have had us believe.

Ooh, ooh, and of course, “Condorman is on tomorrow.” (God, the excitement coursing through this boy’s veins was unreal, wasn’t it?)

Monday 31 March 1986

Easter Monday.

Traditionally today is the day when the English football season sees many of its major issues sorted.

This wasn’t to be the case for the First Division this year though. Once again, Liverpool and Everton were level on points, with Liverpool holding a crucial one-goal lead (+37 vs +36). Liverpool had beaten City 2-0 at Anfield, with both goals coming from Steve McMahon, whilst Everton were held to a goalless draw by Manchester United. The Blues still held their game in hand. Shrewsbury Town managed a 2-2 draw with Stoke City at The Victoria Ground.

And yes, we did watch Condorman. Talk about complete nonsense, this was it. Of course, it looked shaky, this was the whole point, wasn’t it? The biggest thing for me was seeing little Frank Spencer buckling his swash across the screen, doing that crazy American accent… whaddaya mean Frank Spencer’s not his real name? Michael what? Oh well. Never mind, I enjoyed it.

We also watched An Officer and A Gentleman – just one thing, ‘Hey! Mayo-nnaise’. But better than anything else on the telly today, we watched the last episode of Dear John. Sublime understated British Comedy at its very best. Writer John Sullivan proved beyond all doubt that he could do subtle as well as the more obvious humour of Only Fools and Horses. Priceless.

Today I was mostly not doing… “Physics revision.”

Summary of My March 1986 Diary

There you go. I hope that my detailed daily diary from March 1986 provides you with a vivid snapshot of the life of a 16-year-old in the UK. I have offered my own experiences of contemporary cultural and sporting events plus academic assignments and the weather. I hope I have captured the essence of teenage life as it oscillated between moments of enthusiasm and mundane daily routines.

I hope you have noted my passion for football, with frequent mentions of Liverpool’s performance, personal football games, and other football-related news. I’ve mentioned the launch of Today newspaper, Frank Bruno’s boxing match, and I’ve given you my take on some of the best British TV comedies like Blackadder, Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, and Spitting Image.

There are plenty of mentions of the beginning of the end of school life – another recurring theme, with mentions of homework, exams, and school activities, providing insight into the educational system and student concerns of the time.

And finally, personal finance – mostly funding my vinyl habit – as seen through the lens of a paper round job.